is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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