Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Randomize
