she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
