And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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