just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
