i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
