i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
