Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
