my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
