either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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