she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
