just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
