Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
