you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
