was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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