He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
