I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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