i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
