i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
