Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
