24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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