I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
