im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Semen is not good for contacts.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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