Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
pray to the hookup gods
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
