we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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