thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
