I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
