Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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