I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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