If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
