No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
