i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
