I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
