im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Welp...herpes.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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