Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
