Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
