I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
