It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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