my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dicks are not precious.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
