When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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