I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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