this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
