He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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