I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
