got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
