I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
