Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
