I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
