Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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