How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
